Sex and the single super-hero!
Ah, l'amour! It's that back-to-school period for a lot of people, so this is as good a time as any to look at the more carnal aspects of the super-hero lifestyle. We all know that Green Arrow and Black Canary, whose tastes run towards handcuff arrows and fishnet stockings, have been mattress dancing since the sixties. As well, Larry Niven has already provided us with a definitive look at Superman's potential sex life, in his seminal (pun intended) "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" essay from some years ago. But what about the rest of the Superfriends?
Some of them have a certain obvious appeal, such as Plastic Man and Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man. Their abilities to stretch and contort into assorted shapes and, um, positions should make them as desirable as interns in the White House. This might explain one of the biggest mysteries of the DC Universe: why a bright, beautiful, outgoing, loaded heiress would settle down with circus freak wannabe Ralph, whose biggest claim to fame was that he didn't die when he drank a juice extract from an otherwise poisonous tree.
The speed-based heroes of the Central City/Keystone City metropolitan area have their own problems, too. If you're capable of speeds approaching the speed of light, chances are that when you move to the bedroom, you'll be finished long before your partner can even turn down the bedspread. I remember one Flash story that featured our hero slamming his fist into a villain hundreds of times in less than a microsecond. When it comes to sex, the logistics are pretty much the same, and someone's gonna get mighty bruised. On the bright side, there are so many speedsters roaming the streets of Central and Keystone these days that they should be able to form a pretty effective support group. "Hi, my name is Wally W., and I have a problem…."
Aquaman is probably into waterbeds; we already know that Catwoman is into whips. Now, what about those manacles that Wonder Woman wears?
Perhaps we shouldn't even ask about Green Lantern; the solid light shapes that his ring can whip up are limited only by his will power and his imagination. That might be a troubling combination….
We can't forget about the color fetishists, either. These would be people who really grok people/beings of exotic colors, like the Martian Manhunter (green), J'Emm, Son of Saturn (red), Jade (also green), Shadow Lass (blue), Blok (all gray and rocky - not just color, but texture, too!), etc. Random thought - if Shadow Lass (blue) hooked up with J'Emm (red), would their kids be purple?
A word of advice to all of you Martian Manhunter groupies out there: as romantic as it may seem to you, he will not appreciate seeing your pad lit up with six dozen candles, okay? Crooning the Doors' 'Light My Fire' won't get you very far either.
Finally, the award for longest distance traveled to get lucky goes to Adam Strange, whose gal pal Alanna lives on another freakin' planet.
Yikes - I used to think that driving forty minutes from one Boston suburb to another to meet my then-honey qualified as hardship.
- NP
